A contagious pandemic is sweeping British Muslims. It jumps from one person to the other and is proving fatal to those it infects. The most vulnerable are the biggest spreaders of the disease and their natural immune system cannot fight this super bug.

So let's break it down into various flu-type viruses:

‘‘Known super bug is spread and mutated, infecting the brain - in particular the part of the brain where thinking happens - turning the victim into an insufferable bore and know-it-all pseudo-Scholar. In nearly all cases, the patient recovers only for their families to find out they are brain dead and a burden to anyone who can think. Those who don’t recover are doomed to an existence of ‘walking dead’, pronouncing Islamic quotes out of context like a zombie, and too lazy to use their brain to decipher the difference between dogma and religion. 

The disease is known as ‘HuT swine flu’. The symptoms are that the victim of this disease are ‘right’; everything they say is ‘right’; they are not only historians, they are experts in all fields - politics, military, industry, science, medicine - because they studied the Quran and Sunna by listening to a mate outside a Mosque; therefore everything they say must be ‘right’ and ‘Islamic’. This flu affects the oratory factors in the brain, and results in random explosions of ‘Kufr’, ‘Khalifa’, typically preceded by an invasion of your body space. A slap normally solves the symptoms.

Then there are the victims of "self-hating pig flu", who are typically prone to show symptoms of self-loathing. Everything and anything that happens anywhere is the fault of Islam and Muslims, and if only true Islam was represented then all would be well. True Islam in their minds means, a bunch of middle class Muslims comparing business cards and playing top trumps - who wins? A Doctor or a Solicitor? And can these guys happy clap?

Common projections of noise resemble questions and statements like, ‘If only Muslims would behave’, and ‘Why oh why are British soldiers being killed in Iraq and Afghanistan?’ Shouldn’t we condemn the killings?’ Another symptom of ‘self-hating pig flu’ is that their memory goes; they forget that ‘British troops invaded Iraq, and Afghanistan, and that Israel illegally occupies Palestine.’ And when Brits get killed, they are the foreign fighters and the Afghans actually are in Afghanistan. Yet these people, unlike the above, will not be cured with a slap. They need pity. If you meet a carrier, to avoid infection, say in a load soothing tone ‘MORON’.

Then there is ‘Dumb bird flu’, the last of the mutations, which is in fact the least visible and hardest to identify. The outward signs are hardest to identify, until they talk about Mosques. Then beware. If you hear comments like, ‘I like what MPACUK does, but not all mosques are bad. Some are doing a good job’, then beware. This will be shortly followed up with, ‘My Mosque has made great strides; the Khutba is only half in English, and that women are allowed in sometimes, and that their MP (who they do not know the name of) is often talking to the committee.’ And then to wrap up, they say ‘Yes, but change is slow.’

Yes these people, unlike the other two groups of victims, are not deluded by propaganda or dogma; they delude themselves. So while they slowly wait in the train station of change for the late running of the ‘Mosque improvement express’, Palestinians will continue to chafe under Israel’s brutal occupation; Pakistanis and Afghans will be blown apart by Western foreign policy, and when the Prophet gets attacked, the march they organise will make no difference. However, they won’t march when a Muslims gets stabbed to death in his cab because he has been demonised along with a faith that has been demonised over the last 30 years.

The cure is almost as as painful as their excuses - a large gadfly needs to placed in their pants every morning until they realise they have to change.

Inoculate yourself. Join MPACUK and get well soon.