A much needed article, short story, call it what you please, a true account none the less. Collated here are many of the worst case scenarios that only those, whom have experienced, can truly understand the emotional trauma going through the ‘victims’ minds, with a little humour to keep you reading to the end, my intention is not to offend anyone, nor to point the finger, but I do want to highlight the importance of clarifying the difference between that of a forced marriage and one arranged on an individuals behalf.

‘Try to put yourself in my position, see the world for once through the shade upon my eyes, the lens by which I use to focus on the world! Now feel the way I felt when I was pushed into the most uncomfortable position I had ever come across; to choose between the advices of some of the most influential people in my life, and that of people whom truly cared for my interests. Imagine being torn apart; dividing your love, your once sole commitment; you’re so called loyalty, where do at that point in life, where do you turn? Who can you look towards for an unbiased opinion?’

‘And amongst the signs of Allah is this that He created for you mates (spouses, companions) that you might dwell (live) in tranquillity with them; and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Truly in that are signs (about the nature of Allah) for those who reflect.’

(Surah 30:21)

Yes Allah (SWT) has given us a clear sign that we were all created with the intention to marry one day, but the process of finding this ‘mate’ is an extensive hassle for some. As R. Maqsood in her book, describes marriage as not a mystical element of matches ‘made in heaven’, or a contact which can only end with ‘death do us apart’ but more of a “social contract which brings rights and obligations to ordinary men and women, and which can only be successful when these are mutually respected and cherished’’ (Maqsood, p 191)

The atmosphere is tense. The whole house knows what is taking place, it is time. The time to look upon ‘potential’ partners, faced with what seems to be the most extreme communication problem that has ever occurred (a long time after you started babbling as an infant, then saying random words, and before you knew it, you were talking). You sit there, in the ‘family room’ aptly named, as that is where you all come together for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and to watch some bogus channel that only your parents really have an interest in. Your whole outlook on ‘who to trust’ is being severely tested as you look around the room, your mother, your father, your uncle (or maybe two, if you have the whole extended family) your big brother, the little brother, your sisters, your nieces, nephews, and even your pet cat, not to mention the fish swimming blissfully free in the tank, although they’re not really free (you think to yourself) because they’re in a tank! You hear your father tell you of how the potential partner is so nice (nice can mean many things right?), he or she is so lovely that you couldn’t ask for more (almost like your being spoilt but told about it first so that you start to appreciate it, before you even have it). You think to yourself (which you seem to do a lot these days) yikes this is (like) harder than any academic test I ever had to be prepared for during my adolescent years, which in the end after that much preparation I didn’t really care about, but this, it’s real, this will affect the rest of my life on this Dunya (shock and horror is seen on your face at the seriousness of what is going on)! Surrounded by many voices, all of which seem to be pumping their own affairs, how can one draw up any conclusion?! The fear is that the negative thoughts of what you hear about what happens to others (ahem, could happen to you?!), in what seems to be ironically the similar situation your finding yourself in, where the ‘potential’ is from ‘back home’ your from here, born and bred in fact, totally immersed into the society, your culture, the way you talk, walk, dress even what you watch on telly, okay, so you’ve established your from here (as in the UK,) a British Citizen I might add (which is significant). They (now ‘they’ can mean anyone, from the eldest of elders of elders to the most newly acquainted fools you happen to come across) tell you, yes, they tell you, not ask you, there’s a huge difference there! Its like you wake up one day, and they have the rest of your life planned out for you, all you need to do, is keep silent and go with the flow, as they say (although the flow is in a different direction, to what your used to).

Finally logic kicks in, your craving for what is right and wrong, and the fact that you’re a Muslim seems to give you more confidence. You question yourself, is this really what I want to do? Is this really what I truly see my future as? Or is this just the pressure of emotional, blood ties pulling at the sentimental strings of the heart, which you feel obliged to satisfy by saying YES?!

Although marriage is encouraged to take place at a young age, as H. Khattab has said “there are certain guidelines laid down in Islam, to help things run smoothly: first the way to find a partner, then the rights and duties of both husband and wife” (Khattab, p38). Like any process in life there is a distinctive way in which to carry out obligations. One should not feel at all pressurised by those around him or her. This is not practised as much as it is preached.

Once again you tend to fall into asking yourself questions (the life questions), which you can actually answer yourself. For instance, for whom and what purpose am I living? First and foremost it is for my creator, I am here to serve my Lord. Therefore in terms of religious logic, yes parents have a religious duty to find a suitable partner for their beloved children. But not culturally dictate and use ‘arranged’ as a pretence for the whole world to show them that yes, I have given my child the ‘freedom of choice’, and look at how good they are, they have chosen the exact same choice which I put forward to them (well done and a pat on the back, maybe even a nod of approval if your lucky, you really know how to please your parental choice). How much of an outcry can you do, when your parents are willing to leave you with any convenient ‘match’? When you feel that you will be marrying a stranger?

The context of marriage is so misused, they take advantage of the situation you’re in and abuse the dilemma you face, bitter and distraught you now turn away, walking from the family room, to what seems to be the least crowded place in the house, the bathroom.

These ‘parts’ of your life are supposed to be happy memories, once you look back at them, however, you question whether you will ever see yourself smiling at this situation in say ten years time?!

Some times its just the one parent (usually male, goes by the name of dad, father, pops or whatever you want to call the big man, head of household these days). Who even sees it fit for you to marry the potential (having double standards such as) you see, from back home its okay, if the potentials are uneducated (unlike you and your degree), have no steady income (unlike you and your nine to five job) hardly speak a word of English (unlike the way you use English, it may as well be your ‘mother tongue’) and that they can hardly differentiate their religious etiquettes from their cultural upbringing (which you separated a long time back when you realised that being Muslim isn’t just following a religion, it is a way of life). However if the same potential was from say the UK, then enquiries would be made into how much they earn, where they live, how educated they are, their religious contribution and the list goes on, until the whole interrogation takes it toll, and you feel so fed up that you wished you had never mentioned the potential individual, even though a thorough search is best.

You begin to think of your mother, (you know the one who carried you for nine months, if not less, she is your mummy) the woman who took care of your every need, she was there with you as an infant, she cared for you then, as she does for you now. Elders in any household usually have the most impact on those around them, everyone assumes they know better (probably due to the length of time they have spent gathering experience, imagine their CV).

Once again you find yourself being pulled in different directions; has the proposal come too early in your career ladder? Is the fact that the emotional pressure upon you to advance towards the proposal of marriage, too hasty?

The lack of power to make your own mind up steers you towards blaming someone, or something, as we all live in a ‘blame culture’ society, whereby we justify our actions by placing the blame upon another individual or situation. You blame yourself; maybe you did something in your life that has led to these circumstances you’re faced with today. But rather you should turn towards faith, your religion, which has always helped you through your trails, exercise patience, have a belief in Allah (SWT), for only Allah (SWT) can guide whom He wills, leave your affairs in His hands.

You could argue that it is worse for the females, in this crude situation (imagine if you were a lady, if you’re a woman and your reading this, then it wont be too hard). On one hand you have the family’s respect within the household to uphold, your decision will have a rippling effect upon the whole community it seems. On the other hand, you hear this little voice inside you say, you don’t know the guy, nor do your parents really, and the fact that he’s from back home means you will be doing the majority of leg work to insure that your both fed, clothed, and have an adequate roof over your heads, hmm, sounds like a bit of a role reversal here, I’m sure back in the day, that would be the male counterparts job, but then who is the ‘female’ to argue with on this?

Islam forbids parents to force their children into marriage with someone they don’t like. Aisha (RA) recorded that she asked the Prophet (PBUH) about marriages of young girls whose guardians arranged matches for them and whether or not it was necessary to consult the girl involved or not. He said ‘yes she must be consulted’ (Muslim). Islam gave women the right to reject spouses they did not want. Any Muslim parents who forces or trick their offspring into marriages they do not want are committing Haram. Moreover if either spouse is tricked or forced, that marriage is invalid in Shari’ah Law, and must be declared null and void in Western Law (Maqsood, 2006).

Marriage is supposed to be a joint effort it is something which takes time and both partners to make it succeed. The short fall comes when one is not willing to make things work, whilst the other is trying their up most to find harmony. Marriage is an Islamic duty, fulfilment of half of ones Deen.

To parents, no disrespect intended here, but one must ask, why then educate your child in the UK, if you want them to have the cultural knowledge of where you were born and brought up. Why then complain of the cultural clash that you receive when their lack of understanding is due to your own need to fit into the British culture and identity. Why use the whole arranged business when you know you just want to sell your cattle on, and feel free of responsibility. Learn to communicate and understand your child whilst they are young, when you know them, then you can easily find their compatible potentials!

InshaAllah may Allah (SWT) guide us all, keep us amongst the guided, and may He truly bless us all with sincere and compatible partners ( is He already hasn’t done so for you reading this) Ameen.

Bibliography notes

Ali Yusuf A. The meaning of the Quran (1996) Adam publishers, India.
Khattab, H. The Muslim Woman’s Hand Book (1993) TA- HA Publishers, London
Maqsood Waris, R. (p 191) Teach Yourself Islam (2006) Hodder Headline, Berkshire.

 

Article written by Sister S.Aftab.