Early this year I went to Pakistan. One of the most memorable moments was when I was in the kitchen looking at my cousin making chapattis. I made a comment on how small the chapattis were. She looked at me. Smiled and asked if I could do any better. “Yep, making chapattis is dead easy” I answered. Her smile became wider, though from her eyes I could sense her need to reach for a massive cooks knife and her desire to stab me with it repeatedly. “Care to show me?” she asked in a challenging and sarcastic manner. Immediately I set about making a nice chapatti. Nicer, rounder, bigger, thinner. Once made, her smile turned into a look of shock. Her jaw dropped. She felt humbled and awed by my skills. Her power within the kitchen had been removed. I showed her the chapatti with a smug grin. “Making chapattis is such an easy job”, I said as I stepped aside.

Women these days come in two types. Some women see themselves as superior to you due to their domestic skills. Others see themselves superior to you regardless of their lack of domestic skills. Either way, on average they are correct. Women tend to outclass men in the education arena. It is time to change this state. Time for men like you and I to smash this dream and put their feet firmly back on the ground. How? By beating them in certain things. The kitchen is just the domain to act out this war.

Imagine how good it would feel to be able to try your wife’s, sister’s or mother’s cooking and be able to say, hand on heart, “Not bad, but I could do better myself” and still be able to prove it. Well now you can. It is easy. I never hear my mother saying how difficult it is to cook. She knows that I know how easy it all is. Complaining is futile. Lets begin today. Make a simple dish of chicken and rice. Print out the instructions. Fold that paper and place it secretly in your pocket. Make sure that all the ingredients are at hand. Read the whole recipe and do a reconnaissance mission in your kitchen and make notes of what the ingredients/utensils look like and where they are kept. Once done, ban all women from the kitchen for one hour. Refuse them entry. It is now a male domain for that one hour. It is going to upset them. Do not cave in. Be firm. This is war.

This recipe for chicken and rice is enough for 6 people. Get a big pot that has enough room to contain 3 cups of cooked rice. Place the following ingredients below and bring to the boil. All ingredients are level tea spoons. Do not use heaped ones

• Water - 6 cups
• Coriander Seeds - 6 tea spoons
• Fennel seeds - 12 tea spoons
• Salt - 5 tea spoons
• Garlic powder - 4 tea spoons
• Ginger powder - 2 tea spoons
• Cloves - 18
• Pepper Corns  - 36
• Cardamom Pods - 6
• Small Onion  - Cut into eights
• Cinamon sticks - 1 small stick (2 square inches surface area)

Once brought to the boil, cover the pan and simmer for 10 minutes. Look at your watch. During these 10 minutes, wash and drain 2 chicken breasts. Dice the chicken. I usually get about 24 pieces. Measure out 3 cups of basmati rice. Wash and drain using a strainer. Store the washed rice in another pan. This should have taken less than 10 minutes. Wait until the simmer time has passed.

Add the chicken pieces and bring to the boil again. Once boiled, place on a low heat to simmer for another 10 minutes. During this time, wash the knife and chopping board. Get a small saucer and place cumin, salt, garlic powder, ginger powder, cloves peppercorn and cinnamon (as below). Finely chop one medium onion. This will take less than 10 minutes.

• Rice  -  3 cups
• Chopped Onion -  1 Medium
• Cumin seeds - 6 tea spoons
• Garlic powder - 4 tea spoons
• Ginger powder - 2 tea spoons
• Cloves - 18
• Pepper Corns - 36
• Saffron  - 8 small stems
• Cinamon sticks - 1 small stick (2 square inches surface area)
• Kewra “Screwpine” - 1 or 2 drops of essence

Once the time has elapsed for the simmered chicken, turn off the heat. Get a spatula or similar utensil and a pair of tongs to pick out the pieces of chicken. Ensure the pieces of chicken are free of any seeds. Get rid those clingy seeds by dipping the chicken piece in the stock while holding it with the tongs. Place the clean pieces of chicken on the saucer with the cumin and other spices. Once all the chicken has been removed from the stock strain it to remove all the seeds, onion and cardamom etc. Keep the stock as this will be used later on. Throw away all the items caught in the strainer. Give the pan a quick wash and place on full heat. When the pan is dry and free from water, pour cooking oil into the pan. It should be just enough to shallow fry the chopped onion (approx 10-12 table spoons of oil). Get a saucer and place it next to the pan. Once the onion has gone golden brown, take half of the fried onion out and place in the saucer for later. Add the chicken, cumin seed, garlic, ginger, cloves, peppercorns and cinnamon. Keep stirring until the chicken begins to brown. Add 6 tablespoons of yoghurt and stir in for a minute or two. Add the stock cup by cup. Measure this accurately. We are trying to ensure we have exactly 6 cups of liquid. Sometimes I get 5 cups of stock and then simply add 1 cup of water. This ratio is required to achieve perfectly cooked rice. Once we have got the correct amount of liquid, bring it to the boil. Add the 8 small stems of saffron and a very small sprinkle of lemon juice (a few drops). Look at your watch and ensure the rice is covered and simmered on a very low heat for 15 minutes exactly. Once 10 minutes has elapsed remove the pan cover and sprinkle the fried onion evenly on top. Using a spatula see if you can get some of the rice at the bottom of the pan to the top. This allows even cooking of the rice. Replace the pan lid and simmer for the remaining 5 minutes.

During the final phase, wash all the dishes that you have used and wipe all the surfaces clean. This will take only a few minutes and will prevent the “you may have cooked brilliantly but you left all the kitchen in a mess”. Remember a real chef will clean up as they cook. It is mandatory. Also, it allows you to give lectures on keeping a kitchen nice and clean after use. A lecture I use on my mum frequently. Remember this is a war. The enemy will try to find any excuse to undermine you. Keeping a clean kitchen will remove most threats. Once the 15 minutes has elapsed, turn off the heat completely and get some Kewra essence and place a few drops onto the inside lid of the pan and place it back onto the pan. If you did not have saffron, place a few drops of saffron essence on the pan lid as well. After 5 minutes the aroma of this essence will have spread throughout all the rice.

Put all items away where they are usually stored and declare the kitchen a “free zone”. Be prepared for compliments. You can take them gracefully or smile smugly. I personally go into “smug mode”. The choice is all yours. If it was usually your duty to clear the table and do the washing up after a meal, refuse. Lay down the law. Today you will have earned respect. If you learn to make only a few more dishes, you will be able to enter the kitchen with the same stature as any grand chef. In my house, I have the stature of Gordon Ramsay. You can too. It is a war us men can win.

Try out the recipe. Lay down your authority. Place a comment here about your experiences and how well the chicken and rice was recieved.

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