There is reported to be a major outbreak of a virus that specifically infects Muslims. This is no computer virus, and at this stage very little else is known except that has reached epidemic proportions within the Muslim community, with devastating consequences for the Ummah.

The virus is known in its milder form as MCS (Mosque Committee Syndrome) causes its sufferers to act in a very peculiar way. For instance members of Mosque Committees (who coincidently have the highest infection rates), appear to be allergic to other Muslims who are not from the same original village as them and thus can only serve on a committee with members of the same village. Sufferers of MCS are also overcome with complete apathy to Muslim causes outside the walls of their own Mosque.

With the full onset of the virus, the consequences for suffers are far worse, but such cases, although high profile, are quite rare. With this high level of infection, sufferers are usually outcasts and in no way representative of the rest of their community. Sufferers tend to be highly educated (on paper at least) and are referred to as ‘Muslim Zionists’ as they appear completely delusional and advocate Islamaphobic causes such as banning of hijabs. Others even go to the extremes of openly supporting Zionism and the brutal occupation of Palestine. This behaviour supports the common theory that Zionists are in some form responsible for the propagation of this virus.

Luckily an MPACUK mole within the British Government’s Science and Research Department, whose identity we promised to do the utmost to protect (as he is the only Pakistani working there) and therefore refer to as simply Agent Token, has revealed that there is a simple test to ascertain early on whether someone is infected.

Agent Token revealed that to see if a Muslim is infected you just need to observe the amount of time he/she has spent over a rolling three month period in helping to defend global Muslim causes. For instance, as a rough guide if you can count the number of MPACUK alerts you have responded to in the last 3 months on one hand, then sadly the prognosis is poor.

Agent Token also revealed the four levels of infection can be broadly split as follows:

• Level One Infection: Practising but Inactive

Perhaps considered the least serious level of infection, this condition is widespread among the namaz/beard/hijab/talk only brigade. These are the 'holier-than-thou' Muslims whose primary concern is getting to heaven and not saving lives, they also continue to deny that engaing in Jihad is 'fard'.

Those with this condition live a ‘normal life’ but seem unable to perform simple everyday actions that others take for granted such as making a phone call or writing an email in defence of themselves and others of their Ummah.

• Level Two Infection: Haraam Brigade

For this infection the individual believes that the protection of our fellow Muslims is haraam, fighting against the enemies of Islam is haraam, asking Muslims to vote against someone who has the blood of our innocent Muslims on their hands as haraam. They continue to deny that the protection of the Ummah is Fard-e-Ayn.

• Level Three: Non-practicing and Ignorant

For these people Islam was something that originated in Pakistan and is the reason why their parents want them to marry their cousin. Ask them about Zionists and the land grab from Palestinians, and they will probably reply “Israel’s in Europe innit, so what are Arabs doing there?”.

• Level Four: Fully fledged Zionists

The worst form of infection. Those with level three infection are loved by Zionists and promoted as moderate leaders of Muslims as they openly support Zionism. Thankfully most Muslims reject these false voices that try to represent them, but Zionists still milk these ‘Muslim Zionists’ for their propaganda value.

Examples of this include Khalid Mahmood and Abdul Palazzi, Secretary General of the Italian Muslim Association and Director of the Cultural Institute of the Islamic Community. This man claims Palestinians should not have their freedom from Zionist occupation and even attacks CAIR (the rather polite Council of American-Islamic Relations) as having a terrorist agenda. He is in no way representative of any Muslim you’ve probably ever met, but as you can imagine Zionists adore him. Islamaphobic commentators provide a free platform for his anti-Islamic views and portray him as a legitimate moderate Muslim leader.

A cure? Thankfully a vaccination known as Active Islam can prevent and fight off infection. However, delivery mechanisms seem in short supply, as Muslim institutions – traditionally bastions of protection for the Ummah - appear to have already been compromised by the virus.

The bulk of the work is thus left to organisations manned by volunteers such as MPACUK, which with limited resources, have managed a fight back. For instance, following the Kilroy saga a massive response from MPACUK and likeminded organisations helped provoke an intelligent and highly public rebuke of Kilroy’s racist outburst. Previously, such outbreaks of bigotry and hatred against Muslims would have gone unchallenged, thus allowing Muslims to be easy prey and seen as worth less than a barrel of oil.

All this is not really ground breaking science, as defending the Ummah in these dire times is Fard upon all Muslims and MPACUK has long held the motto that it’s better to stop the bullets in the first place than to provide the bandages later, i.e. vaccination is better than cure.

However, the question is, “Are the Ummah prepared to fund this vaccination?”

MPACUK – Vaccine Against Zionism and Racism.

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